I have been going back and forth in terms of how I wanted to start this post and what I was going to say. As I’m writing this post, I don’t know the answers to those questions, but I’m going to give it a go.
To be honest, I want to throw my laptop at the wall and jump up and down on the broken pieces. I’m frustrated. I’m stuck. This last year was nothing shy of hell for me. I was denied from the college that houses my desired major, I realized that the people I’ve surrounded myself with for years are toxic and don’t care, and I’ve lost every ounce of desire to pursue things with my blog. While these problems aren’t nearly as serious of problems that others face, together with more mayhem and mental stability issues here and there, these problems have been the cause of weekly mental breakdowns.
It’s times like these when I think that to books I’ve read or movies I’ve seen and relate my life to some of the characters’. They were brave enough to take their lives and say “to hell with it,” and start over. In these times, I admire their courage, fearlessness and audacity to look at their lives and realize for themselves that this is not the life they wanted to live. So every six-eight weeks I’ll muster up enough courage to think about scrapping everything from my current life and starting over. That’s about as far I’ll get. I’ll think about it.
The last three months have been especially hard. Friends have come and gone. Screaming matches with just about anyone were common. Just existing was exhausting and tiresome, so I wondered, “why bother?” Why bother with waking up? Why bother pretending to be happy so everyone else assumed I was happy? Why bother with letting people walk all over me in order to keep them happy? Why bother going to class and pretend like I cared what the professor said? Why bother to do anything?
The worst part is that I know that the change has to come from me. And I could come up with 50,000 excuses as to why it’s too hard. Trust me… I have. I’m not where I want to be, but I know i want to get there. Change is hard, not always slow, but usually painful, especially at first. The bigger the change, generally, the more painful. After one very painful change, it’s time to reward myself with a slower, less painful change: this blog.
This post is coming to you as a warning that things will be changing. I’m not sure how quickly, but it’s coming. Expect a name change, but more importantly, expect a content change. As I’ve changed and realized who I am and who I want to be years from now, this blog has always been in the back of my mind. It’s time that this blog that has grown with me from my early YouTube days, continue to grow with me into adulthood.
I don’t know what these changes will look like or if they’ll be successful, but here’s to trying.